“I don’t sugarcoat shit. I’m not Willy Wonka.”

“Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining.”

“Just be honest with me or stay away from me. It’s not that difficult.”

“I have no idea why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn.”

“How was the sex? Fast and only on Saturdays. It’s perfect.” – Liz Lemon

“What fresh hell is this?” – Dorothy Parker

“Let’s go to a crowded bar and socialize exclusively with ourselves.”

“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.” – Yogi Berra

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.”

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” -Benjamin Franklin

“I always wanted to be somebody, now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Sowell

“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job, depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan

“There can not be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger

“I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” – Joe Lewis

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.” – Woody Allen

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

“Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.”

“When a woman wears a trench coat with no clothes underneath it is sexy, when a man does it, you call the cops.”